It’s terrible…

…to think about it, but I might just be happy!

This move home has been fantastic. The guys I am working with have a level of professionalism that I didn’t know existed. There’s no drama, just stuff to get done. No one is panicking, rushing around all dramarama.

I am eating far too well. But my running is going great. I can ride for hours in the bush silence…birds & fleeing kangaroos aside.  I actually feel good about stuff.

It’s good to be home.

When I were a lad…

…chocolate was a special treat. Birthdays, “Star Wars” being broadcast on TV…stuff like that. This evening, just prior to bedtime, my mum delivered to me, about half a kilo of Cadbury’s Dairy Milk Chocolate & a pint of cold milk…as a nightcap.

Changes…

Here’s how you do it…

…the best way to to survive a post-meltdown escape to your old home is get distracted.

1. Test drive a lot of cars
2. Catch up with old friends
3. Get lost in the bush when you’re test riding your new bike
4. Get lost in the mega-malls
5. Get lost in the carparks of mega-malls
6. Go to the bank
7. Transfer your driver’s licence
8. Try and get a new phone number
9. Take the dog for a walk
10. Drive places
11. Buy a new iPod
12. Upgrade your parents’ internet connection
13. Unpack stuff
14. Vett bike shops
15. Go for a run
16. Get so bored you agree to start work a week early
17. Admire the sights

As time grows short…

…I realise I’ve got fuck-all to say.

That’s not true. There is a lot to say but I am just not sure how to say it. It’s a work in progress.

This post is about me saying I am thinking about what I will post about.

It's over...

...today is my last day at work.

In two & a half weeks I'll be starting all over again in a new job, in an old home.

It's been 10 years (..Candy). I've had five homes, three (unrelated) meltdowns & one job.

For all my bitching & moaning about my current work/home, I am really gonna miss it. There are some good, good people here and I've been honoured to call them colleagues & mentors. Learned a lot...taught a lot...gave as good as I got.

So, I can walk outta here with my head held high & maybe a tear in my eye. It's been...real.

Evidence…

…of a wonky life is turning off Lou Reed, so you can search YouTube for Journey videos.

What set me off...

...was my stupid iPod. It knows when I am being emo. So, I have been copping a lot of stuff that makes you want to go for a walking in the rain & sigh a lot. This lunchtime I got something from Stellastarr*...

On My Own
Well broken child,
Don't be afraid.
So many years,
Your future hasn't been made.
Someday you will understand,
I wish I could hold your hand...

But I'm doin the best that I can.
Doin the best that I can.

When the love-hate days
Turned into years,
Voices of her teardrops
Whispered into my ear.
She lives in a different room,
Says I'm not in love with her...

But I'm doin the best that I can.
Doin the best that I can,
On my own.

In the fight for life,
Who's gonna win?
Millions of people trying to get away.
You might be the last of mine
I wish I could force a smile...

But I'm doin the best that I can.
Doin the best that I can
On my own.
On my own.
On my own.
On my own.

And you know there's a feeling
That a new day's on the rise.
And it scares me in a way,
But somehow I feel life.
So don't tell me that you're leaving
Cuz I won't know what to say,
When I'm going ahead with my plans.
Yes, I'm going ahead with my plans.
Do you realize that you have just
Kissed, kissed, kissed
It all away?
Cuz I was there when nobody cared
If you lived or you died this day.
Well now that you're back on your feet
Oh, you don't even talk to me...

But I'm doin the best that I can.
Yes, I'm doin the best that I can
On my own.
On my own.

...and it spoke to me.

Trying again...

...I used to blog a lot & I think I was pretty good. Of course, being an impulsive twit, I deleted all my back catalogue. So, you'll just have to believe me. Recently, with all the changes taking place in my life I'm gonna give it another shot.

The Heat Mantra:
As a younger man/boy I thought the coolest man alive was Robert De Niro's character from Heat. And being an emo-tool who revelled in self-inflicted & artificial misery, I thought the coolest words ever spoken in film were,

A guy told me one time, "Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner."

Well, I learnt my lesson on that one. Years after bollockings-up something that was good (not perfect, not terrible, but real...good), I watched Heat for the last time in my present home. I'm moving on again & it seemed like a good bookend to my time here. After watching the movie so many times, I finally saw the scene that I should have seen all those years ago:

I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I know life is short, whatever time you get is luck. You want to walk? You walk right now. Or on your own... on your own you choose to come with me. And all I know is... all I know is there's no point in me going anywhere anymore if it's going to be alone... without you.

Yes, I know it's all about living & growing but how far can one man shove his head up his own butt...and isn't there a reward for repentance? No absolution in confessing to past sins?

I'll admit it now, movies get to me. More so than even novels or songs. And all my favourite movies involve guys going big for the chick. Even if all hopes are lost, he puts it all on the line for her. Take most Michael Mann films, his heroes (Neil MaCauley, Sonny Crockett, Max Durocher Hawkeye etc) all put their lives on the line for the girl. Mann's stuff is some of the most hyper-machissmo out there. And all I can see now is how a guy, says she's worth it all, not a doubt in his mind (or maybe Mann just got caught in a writing rut).

So, I guess I am confessing to the world that I think LOVE IS IT. The fear, doubts & pain are worth it. And love is always enough.